Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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