I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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