"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
