I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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