I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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