Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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