Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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