Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
