and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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