Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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