sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
