They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
