I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
