seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
