I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
