never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
