Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
