well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
