Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Mom said you looked used
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
