So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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