if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
