i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
