I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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