I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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