Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
