i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
