are you so shy because you have an std?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
