He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..