Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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