my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.