I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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