Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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