Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
