just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
