Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
