Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
