I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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