in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
