I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
