Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
