i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
