I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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