Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
