I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
