If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
