I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
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although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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