I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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