I'm laying in your front yard are you home
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
