Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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