At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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