I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
