If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
