You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
