Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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