I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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