1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We need a shit load of segways right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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