Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
