when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
